Passion check?

It's easy to go around saying, I am passionate about that or this. But I think with time everything changes. I entered a field know as Value Investing. It is a school of like thinkers about stock market investing. Mostly I got to know because I wanted to become rich. And too soon. I say to myself and others that I am passionate about value investing. Sometimes, I question myself about that. Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine, Dheeraj, whom I met at Badminton club here at Shaik Pet.

That time some how while talking we discussed about his camera, Sony, I don't know the model. I asked him "Did you buy that?", he said yes and simultaenously said "See, it is easy to claim that we are passionate about some things, like say photography. But in my view, first that person should take more than 10,000 pictures and if that person still feels the same way towards photography, then he's passionate.

So, I reflected there and then for a moment. Because you can find wisdom everywhere and you just need to grab and reflect on it. I found one right then.

If I am passionate about investing, then first I should start researching about at least 100 companies. Then I can know about what's what. 

Image

Till yesterday I blamed my parents for expecting things from me entirely through their point of view. They wished I had done an IT job just like the others did. They talked to others as if I have failed by choosing finance as my career. I blamed for not being satisfied with my brother's salary and his decisions. I even advocated my opinions with others in a way that parents should not force and all.

But now I think I was wrong. They didn't think of me as a strong man so that they could have told others that their son would succeed in the thing he likes to do. They didn't think like that because I did not project the image of that sort of a guy. It's that simple. They didn't act on their own. They acted after thinking through the image which I have shown.

Now that I understand Varun s words. Nobody cares about what you think. It's the image which you project that's important. And the quote from my favorite movie ," batman begins", ' It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you'.

So true. Always I should think what image others are getting.

Destiny

I am not a believer of fate and destiny. I don't like that idea at all which takes away the control from you. But I like to have that option in my case. Every time I get to choose what to do , with prior thinking about the situation at hand. This control is not the overall type that I decide what to happen. I just want to have a sense that decides what to do and what not do.

But there were some situations in which someone said to my face " No you are not that type" " You can't do that" "I m sure it's not going to be you". I used to get angry at such statements. There is something in me which desperately wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to. Now I think they are right after all.

People said to me that I resemble my father. I thought it was a compliment but later understood that it was a warning. I now think that the reason for me being not so social is not the surrounding s which I was brought up ; not my student peer group but it was genetic. My father. On listening to my brother and my mother about my father's past actions, I see myself in him. I seem to just replicate him in ways. The soft nature , the sensitive behavior, not so social type, ego.. etc. I now feel that may be I am doomed with this nature in me.

I don't know what to do. May be learn to adapt and transform. That's the best I could do to learn on my own.

And the Oscar goes to .... Ida (Best foreign language film, category 2015)

(spoilers ahead- time for caution)

I found this film through an online facebook friend, I can't say we are friends but I considered him to be a top notch fellow after all, he worked with my guru (virtual) Prof. Sanjay Bakshi. May be it's a halo effect, I don't know.

Contemplation:

Most of the film is silent and I found that compelling me to think. The right example to make audience think through non verbal or visual communication.

I am not that good at thinking or contemplating what just happened when I finished the movie. Ida, she finds about her family and their death and most importantly her name.

I don't know why or what made the character Ida do like that or this. I am still thinking.

Did I understand? It's not about understanding. My perception was that she finds out the reality or the real world outside of her church life and she seems doesn't like it or may be just she goes back to the church life.

sigh, it's better stay there in my mind questioning me. But it's a very good experience watching the film. 

Liking

We all like some things. I have my own likes and you have your own. I tend to like some specific forms or shapes or faces etc. And when I come across a specific form , I regard that as the ultimate form of that thing. Why ?

Why do I like some specific shapes and why don't I like others ? Is it about aesthetic sense inherent in our mental system ? But I don't want that answer because we all have different aesthetic senses why is that so ? Ever wondered why you like particular type? For example I like sedans in cars especially Volkswagen Vento,that shape seems perfect to me. 

How come I feel so ? And I like oval faces compared to round faces, why so?

I think there is something else going on subconsciously. 

Okay , I will start with the psychology which I ve read in recent past. 

Important things from that learning: There are two types of brains , one is intuitive and the other is calculative. First one is swift more emotional. Second one is calm and rational. 

And the second important thing is about thumb rules, one rule is survival of self. And we are wired in such a way to react to threat more than to reward. Our first brain always keeps track of our surrounding and maintains sense and alerts the organism if there is a threat. One classic example : when you are going or walking in a field and you hear a grass sound. Your first brain automatically sends a threat signal. Why don't we stop there and think rational on the possibilities of the sound being either a wind or a hiding tiger ?

Take away from this ? 

Survival.

Now suppose you are a kid of tender age (8 to 10 years) when your brain constantly trying to make sense of your surroundings and protecting you. And a person X scolds you and hurts you, you cry but important thing happening (i think) is the brain collecting the data and storing it. And it stores with the associations. Your brain stores the person's face, words, personality, tone etc and associates them to threat signal in memory. 

And in the opposite case, if you find a person so caring, so loving, your brain stores the data associating it with safe mode. And we love being in safe mode. These memories and like collection of patterns governs our aesthetic sense I guess.

And I say it is not aesthetic, a mere bias.

I recall that in past I used to have sister who cared very much for me and I felt safe and loved being with her. And in my memory her face is stored like this : oval shape face + brown color + talkative+ slim = safety. This might be the reason for my liking girls with such attributes. So If I take this further deep , I may find a girl heavily attractive just based on looks. And she is just the near replica of my patterns which were already there. This is pure bias, isn't it ? I think so , and it also means we can be screwed by ourselves. Muhahaha.

And I say Love at first sight doesn't exist. Hence proved. :)

No need to worry. Having knowledge is good , we can at least try to dodge those biased emotions.

-END

Villains

I can feel it.

It seems I have my own villains inside me. They always try to conquer my consciousness and rationality. I can feel them taking over my body. They are pushing me, they want control. Why? They have needs, they are not rational. Who are they? I don't know. They are there from the beginning ? I don't know. They birthed recently or because of a prolong activity.

Your greatest villain will hide in the last place you would ever look. I can feel mine, hiding, waiting to destroy me right at the prime moment. Will I win over them? Let's see. 

Can I ?

These days (Jan 29) of my life are on preparing for GEPI for MBA. Faculty at Place team seems doesn't like my attitude or my work. I have always let him down at all his given assignments. I need to introspect to answer all those questions. Those are about any events in life related to management. It was bad, I am feeling low, very low. I don't know why I can't answer all those. Today it was too much, tears almost came.

While I was coming home two instances flashed into my mind.

One is of my mother sitting in front of TV watching food channels with her head titled to side. She doesn't have anything cheerful goes on in her daily life. Always looks sad, disappointed or waiting for her son to bring any light to her life... waiting...

Second is of my father, sitting in the corner part of the kitchen on a chair and looking out of the window and doing nothing. He just looks on and on.... waiting....

I haven't done anything to uplift the financial or healthy things for them so far. I am 25 years old.

Now after CAT I thought I have a chance, but I am afraid I'll fail... Failing.... 

Crazy or what ?

I've this different habit or I don't know what should I call it. I generally don't search for songs or music. But more often , some songs freeze me and strikes me in mind. And I listen to them on loop for some days and then I may be forget about them. May be this is called as 'moment freezing us', right now, I'm listening to 'Arcade Fire, Deep Blue' song, which was a credits track of the film BOYHOOD.

This isn't the first time. But I want to save this.