Back after 4 years

I think I stopped coming here when I joined MBA.
A lot of things happened during MBA and after that.

Sometimes I am just afraid to go back to those memories, they give the same intense sharp pain even now. Each time pain seems to be different. A period of calmness followed with excruciating pain for some months.

Most of the time is it either anger or sadness that has the grip on me. Neither makes me go forward. As I write, I think I am near sadness as whole day I was so angry.

A lot of words, phrases running in my head to come out, I just wanted to vent out this anger or sadness but I cannot. It is being submerged for a while now. All I see, anger is bad and I am too emotional. I really cannot understand how people come out of things like this.

Sometimes I feel I am just angry at her and him and all others for all brutal lies to me. I really believed she wouldn't lie to me. But when I look back, she has been doing it all the time with others.

Okay.

Enough of anger words or dialogue, as it will not change her or bring her back and I don't want her back. It is pretty useless in this case.

"Be proactive, make a plan, strive towards it", this is what everyone says to me, "Come out of it". They are right.

I need a short term goal. Given the situation could go even worse, that is another headache. I am not behaving properly with parents and not spending time with them at all. Why should I be like this just because a person lied and went away from me and lied of her intentions? I can't punish myself. First I need to sleep better. How? I need to think better. How? I should not over think.
Overthinking, getting angry thoughts will not help.

Yes, she lied. Yes, she likes that 40 year old. Can you change that? You cannot control. You don't know. She lied to your face, she didn't give importance to you. Why don't you think good about yourself?


Why do you punish yourself for someone like her who has no values? Leave it, start a new. I know it is difficult, it has been 3 months and still stuck there. Others have completely healed themselves if at all. Lets not think about them, think about yourself.

What do you want to do? what do you want to become? what is your goal?

A scene

" ...'What is a drug ?' He remembers his teacher asking in the morning s class. He ponders for a moment and rephrases it : 'what not is a drug ?' Some ideas flashed through ... " Vikas stopped reading and checked his watch. The hands conveyed its 10. He couldn't stop thinking about her. Right from the moment when their eyes met in the class. It's been three days they were meeting and talking in free hours and lunch breaks. Now , he's obsessed with her. He was seeing her everywhere. Hearing her name everywhere. Thus despite being an atheist he started to believe in karmic connect. He got up , took his Lee pullover and started walking towards her house. He knew it way before , his curiosity made him found out. Though he's not a stalker. While doing all this , he seemed delirious. Started climbing pillars and then into her bedroom balcony. He slowly scrutinized the surrounding s. Thanks to the street light he found his leg wrapped in branches of the money plant. Recovering from it , he walked in. Going across her bed , he looked at the half opened novel , the same novel !which he was reading. His face wore a light smile. He sets the blanket right covering her feet which made her snuggle a bit. It Frightened Vikas and precipitated him for a moment. But she appeared to be in good sleep already. He lifts her palm takes the book out and places it on the shelf. For a moment he was lost looking at her. Now he understood. She was his drug. He started to leave and turned , right at that moment he felt his hand gripped. "I ve something to say" she whispers. And he felt something was being tied on his wrist. He whispers back " I know"... He turns only to find her with smile and then his heart started sink and with those words... " Happy Rakhi , Bhayya!!! " he fell down unconscious.....

The End