Back after 4 years

I think I stopped coming here when I joined MBA.
A lot of things happened during MBA and after that.

Sometimes I am just afraid to go back to those memories, they give the same intense sharp pain even now. Each time pain seems to be different. A period of calmness followed with excruciating pain for some months.

Most of the time is it either anger or sadness that has the grip on me. Neither makes me go forward. As I write, I think I am near sadness as whole day I was so angry.

A lot of words, phrases running in my head to come out, I just wanted to vent out this anger or sadness but I cannot. It is being submerged for a while now. All I see, anger is bad and I am too emotional. I really cannot understand how people come out of things like this.

Sometimes I feel I am just angry at her and him and all others for all brutal lies to me. I really believed she wouldn't lie to me. But when I look back, she has been doing it all the time with others.

Okay.

Enough of anger words or dialogue, as it will not change her or bring her back and I don't want her back. It is pretty useless in this case.

"Be proactive, make a plan, strive towards it", this is what everyone says to me, "Come out of it". They are right.

I need a short term goal. Given the situation could go even worse, that is another headache. I am not behaving properly with parents and not spending time with them at all. Why should I be like this just because a person lied and went away from me and lied of her intentions? I can't punish myself. First I need to sleep better. How? I need to think better. How? I should not over think.
Overthinking, getting angry thoughts will not help.

Yes, she lied. Yes, she likes that 40 year old. Can you change that? You cannot control. You don't know. She lied to your face, she didn't give importance to you. Why don't you think good about yourself?


Why do you punish yourself for someone like her who has no values? Leave it, start a new. I know it is difficult, it has been 3 months and still stuck there. Others have completely healed themselves if at all. Lets not think about them, think about yourself.

What do you want to do? what do you want to become? what is your goal?

A scene

" ...'What is a drug ?' He remembers his teacher asking in the morning s class. He ponders for a moment and rephrases it : 'what not is a drug ?' Some ideas flashed through ... " Vikas stopped reading and checked his watch. The hands conveyed its 10. He couldn't stop thinking about her. Right from the moment when their eyes met in the class. It's been three days they were meeting and talking in free hours and lunch breaks. Now , he's obsessed with her. He was seeing her everywhere. Hearing her name everywhere. Thus despite being an atheist he started to believe in karmic connect. He got up , took his Lee pullover and started walking towards her house. He knew it way before , his curiosity made him found out. Though he's not a stalker. While doing all this , he seemed delirious. Started climbing pillars and then into her bedroom balcony. He slowly scrutinized the surrounding s. Thanks to the street light he found his leg wrapped in branches of the money plant. Recovering from it , he walked in. Going across her bed , he looked at the half opened novel , the same novel !which he was reading. His face wore a light smile. He sets the blanket right covering her feet which made her snuggle a bit. It Frightened Vikas and precipitated him for a moment. But she appeared to be in good sleep already. He lifts her palm takes the book out and places it on the shelf. For a moment he was lost looking at her. Now he understood. She was his drug. He started to leave and turned , right at that moment he felt his hand gripped. "I ve something to say" she whispers. And he felt something was being tied on his wrist. He whispers back " I know"... He turns only to find her with smile and then his heart started sink and with those words... " Happy Rakhi , Bhayya!!! " he fell down unconscious.....

The End

Passion check?

It's easy to go around saying, I am passionate about that or this. But I think with time everything changes. I entered a field know as Value Investing. It is a school of like thinkers about stock market investing. Mostly I got to know because I wanted to become rich. And too soon. I say to myself and others that I am passionate about value investing. Sometimes, I question myself about that. Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine, Dheeraj, whom I met at Badminton club here at Shaik Pet.

That time some how while talking we discussed about his camera, Sony, I don't know the model. I asked him "Did you buy that?", he said yes and simultaenously said "See, it is easy to claim that we are passionate about some things, like say photography. But in my view, first that person should take more than 10,000 pictures and if that person still feels the same way towards photography, then he's passionate.

So, I reflected there and then for a moment. Because you can find wisdom everywhere and you just need to grab and reflect on it. I found one right then.

If I am passionate about investing, then first I should start researching about at least 100 companies. Then I can know about what's what. 

Image

Till yesterday I blamed my parents for expecting things from me entirely through their point of view. They wished I had done an IT job just like the others did. They talked to others as if I have failed by choosing finance as my career. I blamed for not being satisfied with my brother's salary and his decisions. I even advocated my opinions with others in a way that parents should not force and all.

But now I think I was wrong. They didn't think of me as a strong man so that they could have told others that their son would succeed in the thing he likes to do. They didn't think like that because I did not project the image of that sort of a guy. It's that simple. They didn't act on their own. They acted after thinking through the image which I have shown.

Now that I understand Varun s words. Nobody cares about what you think. It's the image which you project that's important. And the quote from my favorite movie ," batman begins", ' It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you'.

So true. Always I should think what image others are getting.

Destiny

I am not a believer of fate and destiny. I don't like that idea at all which takes away the control from you. But I like to have that option in my case. Every time I get to choose what to do , with prior thinking about the situation at hand. This control is not the overall type that I decide what to happen. I just want to have a sense that decides what to do and what not do.

But there were some situations in which someone said to my face " No you are not that type" " You can't do that" "I m sure it's not going to be you". I used to get angry at such statements. There is something in me which desperately wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to. Now I think they are right after all.

People said to me that I resemble my father. I thought it was a compliment but later understood that it was a warning. I now think that the reason for me being not so social is not the surrounding s which I was brought up ; not my student peer group but it was genetic. My father. On listening to my brother and my mother about my father's past actions, I see myself in him. I seem to just replicate him in ways. The soft nature , the sensitive behavior, not so social type, ego.. etc. I now feel that may be I am doomed with this nature in me.

I don't know what to do. May be learn to adapt and transform. That's the best I could do to learn on my own.

And the Oscar goes to .... Ida (Best foreign language film, category 2015)

(spoilers ahead- time for caution)

I found this film through an online facebook friend, I can't say we are friends but I considered him to be a top notch fellow after all, he worked with my guru (virtual) Prof. Sanjay Bakshi. May be it's a halo effect, I don't know.

Contemplation:

Most of the film is silent and I found that compelling me to think. The right example to make audience think through non verbal or visual communication.

I am not that good at thinking or contemplating what just happened when I finished the movie. Ida, she finds about her family and their death and most importantly her name.

I don't know why or what made the character Ida do like that or this. I am still thinking.

Did I understand? It's not about understanding. My perception was that she finds out the reality or the real world outside of her church life and she seems doesn't like it or may be just she goes back to the church life.

sigh, it's better stay there in my mind questioning me. But it's a very good experience watching the film. 

Liking

We all like some things. I have my own likes and you have your own. I tend to like some specific forms or shapes or faces etc. And when I come across a specific form , I regard that as the ultimate form of that thing. Why ?

Why do I like some specific shapes and why don't I like others ? Is it about aesthetic sense inherent in our mental system ? But I don't want that answer because we all have different aesthetic senses why is that so ? Ever wondered why you like particular type? For example I like sedans in cars especially Volkswagen Vento,that shape seems perfect to me. 

How come I feel so ? And I like oval faces compared to round faces, why so?

I think there is something else going on subconsciously. 

Okay , I will start with the psychology which I ve read in recent past. 

Important things from that learning: There are two types of brains , one is intuitive and the other is calculative. First one is swift more emotional. Second one is calm and rational. 

And the second important thing is about thumb rules, one rule is survival of self. And we are wired in such a way to react to threat more than to reward. Our first brain always keeps track of our surrounding and maintains sense and alerts the organism if there is a threat. One classic example : when you are going or walking in a field and you hear a grass sound. Your first brain automatically sends a threat signal. Why don't we stop there and think rational on the possibilities of the sound being either a wind or a hiding tiger ?

Take away from this ? 

Survival.

Now suppose you are a kid of tender age (8 to 10 years) when your brain constantly trying to make sense of your surroundings and protecting you. And a person X scolds you and hurts you, you cry but important thing happening (i think) is the brain collecting the data and storing it. And it stores with the associations. Your brain stores the person's face, words, personality, tone etc and associates them to threat signal in memory. 

And in the opposite case, if you find a person so caring, so loving, your brain stores the data associating it with safe mode. And we love being in safe mode. These memories and like collection of patterns governs our aesthetic sense I guess.

And I say it is not aesthetic, a mere bias.

I recall that in past I used to have sister who cared very much for me and I felt safe and loved being with her. And in my memory her face is stored like this : oval shape face + brown color + talkative+ slim = safety. This might be the reason for my liking girls with such attributes. So If I take this further deep , I may find a girl heavily attractive just based on looks. And she is just the near replica of my patterns which were already there. This is pure bias, isn't it ? I think so , and it also means we can be screwed by ourselves. Muhahaha.

And I say Love at first sight doesn't exist. Hence proved. :)

No need to worry. Having knowledge is good , we can at least try to dodge those biased emotions.

-END

Villains

I can feel it.

It seems I have my own villains inside me. They always try to conquer my consciousness and rationality. I can feel them taking over my body. They are pushing me, they want control. Why? They have needs, they are not rational. Who are they? I don't know. They are there from the beginning ? I don't know. They birthed recently or because of a prolong activity.

Your greatest villain will hide in the last place you would ever look. I can feel mine, hiding, waiting to destroy me right at the prime moment. Will I win over them? Let's see. 

Can I ?

These days (Jan 29) of my life are on preparing for GEPI for MBA. Faculty at Place team seems doesn't like my attitude or my work. I have always let him down at all his given assignments. I need to introspect to answer all those questions. Those are about any events in life related to management. It was bad, I am feeling low, very low. I don't know why I can't answer all those. Today it was too much, tears almost came.

While I was coming home two instances flashed into my mind.

One is of my mother sitting in front of TV watching food channels with her head titled to side. She doesn't have anything cheerful goes on in her daily life. Always looks sad, disappointed or waiting for her son to bring any light to her life... waiting...

Second is of my father, sitting in the corner part of the kitchen on a chair and looking out of the window and doing nothing. He just looks on and on.... waiting....

I haven't done anything to uplift the financial or healthy things for them so far. I am 25 years old.

Now after CAT I thought I have a chance, but I am afraid I'll fail... Failing.... 

Crazy or what ?

I've this different habit or I don't know what should I call it. I generally don't search for songs or music. But more often , some songs freeze me and strikes me in mind. And I listen to them on loop for some days and then I may be forget about them. May be this is called as 'moment freezing us', right now, I'm listening to 'Arcade Fire, Deep Blue' song, which was a credits track of the film BOYHOOD.

This isn't the first time. But I want to save this.

A reply to a lesson

Dear girl to whom I got infatuated for 2 to 3 months or an year.

I like to store and remember those times. You as a matter of fact , even I was confirmed that the reason for my infatuation was my loneliness. But I assure you it wasn't. I m sure. I have not seen you , but why did I felt so close. May be I know partly. You know we all have some likes and dislikes and we tend to like some character persona. And in combination we look out for persons who have got those qualities. I was attracted to you mostly because you almost resembled my girl of choice. It just happened that you were superior form of all qualities combined. An analogy would be: If you are sitting in a restaurant and by chance you see or meet a person who is your dream person. That's what happened to me. Like you said may be it's imagination and all. But I m flattered by your character.

May be everything was just over imagination. You used to ask me whether I behave in real the same. The answer then and now was a resounding yes. I didn't try to do anything which I can't do in real.

Yes. I ve done some serious mistakes. Mostly insecurity ones. It was like I thought i wasn't gonna meet another perfect creature. But its bad. Had a hard time learning lesson. So its okay. I regarded you as a teacher and lessons learnt.

Lately , I very much understood how and why you behaved. It wasn't your fault that I was hurt. It has to be. You wrote emails before exam so that you are under impression that if you stopped makes me a diversion from my exam. But it wouldn't have happened, I m not that stupid. I observed clearly the distance increasing right from the moment you told me : let's talk in group goodreads rather than in chat window. And with your last email you just sounded my distant relative who doesnt give a damn about me and just talk purely because of what's the word cant remember, just relative sake. I hated that. That was the last thread and it was gone. Very well , but I remember this coz I will use this lesson as an analogy and will tell my future wife and kids. May be you liked the way you wanted me to be a very long distant person. As I m sure you wont be reading this , but even you read this, please dont email me.

Nightcrawler

May be there is something to take from this movie. It is very hard for the foundation part of the business. As they say it's tough to make first million when compared to next offspring.

World

Let not world's cruelty make
You believe it is always so.
Let not world's amity fool you.
It's just your perceived emotions
Them as a cloak make you think narrow.
Let not your emotional responses fool you.
You may say," It's not possible".
I will agree.
But let not your emotions fool you.

Asking myself again

"If you want to go to the castle, you got to cross the moat."

Other self : "What is your goal?"

Self : I want to become a value investor like Buffett, Prof Sanjay Bakshi.

OS : So what are you doing about it? People have ambitions and they work towards it and becoming a value investor like them is no easy job.

S: I'm writing CAT tomorrow and do MBA and work towards my goal.

OS: And you know about CAT right? If you won't do well, you won't get good college and you will fall in a loan paying spiral.

S: Yes.

OS: Look at them, they are top notch, their ability. And you can't even crack CAT well. Is becoming value investor sort of thing an ambition or wishful thinking?

S: ... I will try.

Am I faking myself? I really like the field. And it seems right, becoming a value investor is not easy, but I believe I get there with practice. It's ok, at this part of my life, I want to go that way. Is it because of getting rich? I want to get financial independence first and then continue doing what I love to do. Yes, Financial Independence. I need it, I will achieve it. So soon. I'll get through this, I'll try harder and think harder about LRs and RCs. I've rules, and I hope my brain's experience helps in looking through lines.

RZ

Random

If you have an aspiration or an ambition , work towards it. A teacher said. Do I have ambition ? Yes. I want to become value investor and financially independent and I will do my contribution to society. Well ok. What am I doing for that ? Writing CAT to.do my MBA from a good college. Why am I dull or am I being practical ?

First time :)

A Guru ?

I ve always thought that I needed a guru or someone must be present to guide me. But I don't think so now. In a recent conversation with my friend , I found myself spoke out the basic , very basic idea. That idea is checklist. And your resource of experience , it turns out to be your guru provided you see it better.

Go out. Start with an ugly checklist and accept  that mistakes happen and they are inevitable somehow. At least that mistake teaches you "what not to do!" Its better because of many what to do s around , the-rules. With experience you refine your checklist. That's it.

Sources of inspiration : Atul Gawande , Mohnish Pabrai and Sanjay Bakshi s lectures.

I used to worry whether I can make it to MDI , where Sanjay Bakshi teaches. And I don't now.

Control

A note : If you don't take charge of your life and your future , soon your life will be controlling you , and so soon you will be living with regret. And it ends.

Courage

June 8 2014 11:20 pm

You need more courage than usual to tell your loved ones that 'it's gonna be alright ' especially when you know 'it's not going to be'.

May be it's all about belief. Is it really so powerful ?

Season

I had to take my brother's Pulsar as my bike was getting cured from its wounds that happened with my recent accident. It was early in the morning , and I started my 6 Km journey to reach my class. I don't prefer riding very fast more often especially when it happens to be a pleasant day. I like this little joy slow ride feeling the pleasantness around.

It was the time of dawn when I came out of the building sloping down into the road while Pulsar's sound which appears to be of a tractor's broke the silence. With the cool morning's unpolluted breeze, I started my little journey wearing a content smile on my face.

The thrust, this bike generates when geared up, is so good that you'd want it to run like a horse. But I didn't allow myself to this adrenaline charge of racing, rather I started enjoying one of the beauties of Mother Nature. It is the twilight combined with a cool breeze which almost made me stop right away right then to appreciate with awe. That scene was too much for my eyes, I closed them for a tiny second and aspirated smugly.

"It seems you love me, don't you?", a voice echoed. My instinct told me its an imposing female tone trying to appear as caring as possible.

Without stopping, I glanced side ways, back and found nobody. I presumed it to be my illusion and moved on.

"Don't you love me , you human ? I am asking you!" again the voice was heard. This time I was sure of its presence. All of a sudden I looked up intuitively. There in the sky, to my surprise, I saw partly light grey clouds moved taking the shape of eyebrows. Defocusing a bit I laid my eyes on a mild sketch of a face. I wondered with disbelief. For a moment I forgot that I was driving. To maintain the bike's balance, I averted my eyes from that image in the sky. I checked it was a plain and wide empty road and I was in the middle of it , so no need to worry for shifting my attention. I looked up and the lower part of that pattern moved making the same resounding tone, repeating the same question: 'You love me ?'

This time I was sure its our Mother Nature.

A mix of sensations ran through , its the delight which was at its zenith.
'Yes, ' I replied with an involuntary smile on my face. To my amazement, I couldn't see the pattern but the voice continued. And for some time we talked about trivial things like "Nature has its own ways , what does it mean ?" , and I began describing how I thought about men foolishly mistaking for one cause of nature to another and She laughs when I told her "Why don't men admit that its beyond their reasoning ? Always forming stories... "

"I like your way of talk , you seem funny too" , she said. A very small streaks of light was descending and trying to turn the light blue ambience into white. With this breeze in place , a drizzle starts to appear. It was like those drops were kissing me and I was feeling the taste those droplets. That was the highest point of joy , I ever experienced so far. Sure I know there is line divides pleasure and joy. I was pretty sure because everything felt very light along with my heart. Some may call it as unconditional joy.

By the time I reached half way I was telling Mother about a funny thing which happened in my class before that day. It goes like this : 'In my class there is a girl who looks so cute that I can't concentrate on what professor is saying. Sometimes out of pure luck she doesn't sit in the front rows ahead of mine, helping me concentrate. But almost she takes front rows. One day I went to her after the class straight and said "Do you mind coming to class from tomorrow by applying some black grease to your face? "

She gave a girly smile and said "Excuse me ! I don't understand your mumblings." I was shocked to listen my voice again when I repeated , " Duyu mi coing class appl ingre fax ?, Every one around there laughed out loud including me , coz if I didn't they will think I really stammered in front of this cute chick.'

Though its a bad joke Mother Nature liked it and its consequence the drizzled turned into windy rain. Cold shivers started in me. Within in few minutes I was drenched in full. I thought of asking Her to lessen the wind flow at least, but I didn't. I endured it and I took pleasure from it too. Some systems are dynamic and non linear in nature , like person's mood for e.g. I almost reached the place , and as I said about the dynamic property it started to rain heavily. With thunderstorms, the rain drops hit on my face like sharp objects completely blocking my view ahead. I struggled checking for a shelter near by, but I found none. I started shouting so that Nature could hear my yell. No response was heard. As I was near, I thought of not bothering Her and thought of reaching my destination swiftly. To my wonder, rainfall increased which I thought its the rain's prime. It was true that one can go against the hot sun and very much cold winter but one cannot in heavy rain. Especially driving bike is highly uncomfortable in heavy rains. With this heavy rain, my anger rose partly because I was getting late for my class. I endured that too, gulping the anger and slowly I tried to calm myself. At once a lighting hit the road just in front of me destructing the road generating a pit 3 feet deep. Losing control, I fell into that. I left my bike lying there with its wheels still turning , I stood up and said : "What the fuck is this ?"

"What?" , the reply was unexpected partly because I felt a tinge of surprise which I didn't understand, but I couldn't stop myself back then.
"What the fuck you think you are doing ? Huh ? You on fucking high ?"
"You said you love me....." , Mother Nature replied