Tuesday, December 23, 2014

A reply to a lesson

Dear girl to whom I got infatuated for 2 to 3 months or an year.

I like to store and remember those times. You as a matter of fact , even I was confirmed that the reason for my infatuation was my loneliness. But I assure you it wasn't. I m sure. I have not seen you , but why did I felt so close. May be I know partly. You know we all have some likes and dislikes and we tend to like some character persona. And in combination we look out for persons who have got those qualities. I was attracted to you mostly because you almost resembled my girl of choice. It just happened that you were superior form of all qualities combined. An analogy would be: If you are sitting in a restaurant and by chance you see or meet a person who is your dream person. That's what happened to me. Like you said may be it's imagination and all. But I m flattered by your character.

May be everything was just over imagination. You used to ask me whether I behave in real the same. The answer then and now was a resounding yes. I didn't try to do anything which I can't do in real.

Yes. I ve done some serious mistakes. Mostly insecurity ones. It was like I thought i wasn't gonna meet another perfect creature. But its bad. Had a hard time learning lesson. So its okay. I regarded you as a teacher and lessons learnt.

Lately , I very much understood how and why you behaved. It wasn't your fault that I was hurt. It has to be. You wrote emails before exam so that you are under impression that if you stopped makes me a diversion from my exam. But it wouldn't have happened, I m not that stupid. I observed clearly the distance increasing right from the moment you told me : let's talk in group goodreads rather than in chat window. And with your last email you just sounded my distant relative who doesnt give a damn about me and just talk purely because of what's the word cant remember, just relative sake. I hated that. That was the last thread and it was gone. Very well , but I remember this coz I will use this lesson as an analogy and will tell my future wife and kids. May be you liked the way you wanted me to be a very long distant person. As I m sure you wont be reading this , but even you read this, please dont email me.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Nightcrawler

May be there is something to take from this movie. It is very hard for the foundation part of the business. As they say it's tough to make first million when compared to next offspring.

Friday, December 12, 2014

World

Let not world's cruelty make
You believe it is always so.
Let not world's amity fool you.
It's just your perceived emotions
Them as a cloak make you think narrow.
Let not your emotional responses fool you.
You may say," It's not possible".
I will agree.
But let not your emotions fool you.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Asking myself again

"If you want to go to the castle, you got to cross the moat."

Other self : "What is your goal?"

Self : I want to become a value investor like Buffett, Prof Sanjay Bakshi.

OS : So what are you doing about it? People have ambitions and they work towards it and becoming a value investor like them is no easy job.

S: I'm writing CAT tomorrow and do MBA and work towards my goal.

OS: And you know about CAT right? If you won't do well, you won't get good college and you will fall in a loan paying spiral.

S: Yes.

OS: Look at them, they are top notch, their ability. And you can't even crack CAT well. Is becoming value investor sort of thing an ambition or wishful thinking?

S: ... I will try.

Am I faking myself? I really like the field. And it seems right, becoming a value investor is not easy, but I believe I get there with practice. It's ok, at this part of my life, I want to go that way. Is it because of getting rich? I want to get financial independence first and then continue doing what I love to do. Yes, Financial Independence. I need it, I will achieve it. So soon. I'll get through this, I'll try harder and think harder about LRs and RCs. I've rules, and I hope my brain's experience helps in looking through lines.

RZ

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Random

If you have an aspiration or an ambition , work towards it. A teacher said. Do I have ambition ? Yes. I want to become value investor and financially independent and I will do my contribution to society. Well ok. What am I doing for that ? Writing CAT to.do my MBA from a good college. Why am I dull or am I being practical ?

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Saturday, August 23, 2014

A Guru ?

I ve always thought that I needed a guru or someone must be present to guide me. But I don't think so now. In a recent conversation with my friend , I found myself spoke out the basic , very basic idea. That idea is checklist. And your resource of experience , it turns out to be your guru provided you see it better.

Go out. Start with an ugly checklist and accept  that mistakes happen and they are inevitable somehow. At least that mistake teaches you "what not to do!" Its better because of many what to do s around , the-rules. With experience you refine your checklist. That's it.

Sources of inspiration : Atul Gawande , Mohnish Pabrai and Sanjay Bakshi s lectures.

I used to worry whether I can make it to MDI , where Sanjay Bakshi teaches. And I don't now.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Control

A note : If you don't take charge of your life and your future , soon your life will be controlling you , and so soon you will be living with regret. And it ends.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Courage

June 8 2014 11:20 pm

You need more courage than usual to tell your loved ones that 'it's gonna be alright ' especially when you know 'it's not going to be'.

May be it's all about belief. Is it really so powerful ?

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Season

I had to take my brother's Pulsar as my bike was getting cured from its wounds that happened with my recent accident. It was early in the morning , and I started my 6 Km journey to reach my class. I don't prefer riding very fast more often especially when it happens to be a pleasant day. I like this little joy slow ride feeling the pleasantness around.

It was the time of dawn when I came out of the building sloping down into the road while Pulsar's sound which appears to be of a tractor's broke the silence. With the cool morning's unpolluted breeze, I started my little journey wearing a content smile on my face.

The thrust, this bike generates when geared up, is so good that you'd want it to run like a horse. But I didn't allow myself to this adrenaline charge of racing, rather I started enjoying one of the beauties of Mother Nature. It is the twilight combined with a cool breeze which almost made me stop right away right then to appreciate with awe. That scene was too much for my eyes, I closed them for a tiny second and aspirated smugly.

"It seems you love me, don't you?", a voice echoed. My instinct told me its an imposing female tone trying to appear as caring as possible.

Without stopping, I glanced side ways, back and found nobody. I presumed it to be my illusion and moved on.

"Don't you love me , you human ? I am asking you!" again the voice was heard. This time I was sure of its presence. All of a sudden I looked up intuitively. There in the sky, to my surprise, I saw partly light grey clouds moved taking the shape of eyebrows. Defocusing a bit I laid my eyes on a mild sketch of a face. I wondered with disbelief. For a moment I forgot that I was driving. To maintain the bike's balance, I averted my eyes from that image in the sky. I checked it was a plain and wide empty road and I was in the middle of it , so no need to worry for shifting my attention. I looked up and the lower part of that pattern moved making the same resounding tone, repeating the same question: 'You love me ?'

This time I was sure its our Mother Nature.

A mix of sensations ran through , its the delight which was at its zenith.
'Yes, ' I replied with an involuntary smile on my face. To my amazement, I couldn't see the pattern but the voice continued. And for some time we talked about trivial things like "Nature has its own ways , what does it mean ?" , and I began describing how I thought about men foolishly mistaking for one cause of nature to another and She laughs when I told her "Why don't men admit that its beyond their reasoning ? Always forming stories... "

"I like your way of talk , you seem funny too" , she said. A very small streaks of light was descending and trying to turn the light blue ambience into white. With this breeze in place , a drizzle starts to appear. It was like those drops were kissing me and I was feeling the taste those droplets. That was the highest point of joy , I ever experienced so far. Sure I know there is line divides pleasure and joy. I was pretty sure because everything felt very light along with my heart. Some may call it as unconditional joy.

By the time I reached half way I was telling Mother about a funny thing which happened in my class before that day. It goes like this : 'In my class there is a girl who looks so cute that I can't concentrate on what professor is saying. Sometimes out of pure luck she doesn't sit in the front rows ahead of mine, helping me concentrate. But almost she takes front rows. One day I went to her after the class straight and said "Do you mind coming to class from tomorrow by applying some black grease to your face? "

She gave a girly smile and said "Excuse me ! I don't understand your mumblings." I was shocked to listen my voice again when I repeated , " Duyu mi coing class appl ingre fax ?, Every one around there laughed out loud including me , coz if I didn't they will think I really stammered in front of this cute chick.'

Though its a bad joke Mother Nature liked it and its consequence the drizzled turned into windy rain. Cold shivers started in me. Within in few minutes I was drenched in full. I thought of asking Her to lessen the wind flow at least, but I didn't. I endured it and I took pleasure from it too. Some systems are dynamic and non linear in nature , like person's mood for e.g. I almost reached the place , and as I said about the dynamic property it started to rain heavily. With thunderstorms, the rain drops hit on my face like sharp objects completely blocking my view ahead. I struggled checking for a shelter near by, but I found none. I started shouting so that Nature could hear my yell. No response was heard. As I was near, I thought of not bothering Her and thought of reaching my destination swiftly. To my wonder, rainfall increased which I thought its the rain's prime. It was true that one can go against the hot sun and very much cold winter but one cannot in heavy rain. Especially driving bike is highly uncomfortable in heavy rains. With this heavy rain, my anger rose partly because I was getting late for my class. I endured that too, gulping the anger and slowly I tried to calm myself. At once a lighting hit the road just in front of me destructing the road generating a pit 3 feet deep. Losing control, I fell into that. I left my bike lying there with its wheels still turning , I stood up and said : "What the fuck is this ?"

"What?" , the reply was unexpected partly because I felt a tinge of surprise which I didn't understand, but I couldn't stop myself back then.
"What the fuck you think you are doing ? Huh ? You on fucking high ?"
"You said you love me....." , Mother Nature replied

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Good Bye Raeez !!!


"We met you a couple of months ago. It wasn't a short time, our friendship. We surely didnt figure your personality out, but we can say we enjoyed your company. You have left before and now again. But this time whatever happens this feels right. So to make myself feel satisfied and happy and although this may sound extreme I am throwing our friend RZ an online funeral. More like we are sorry we lost your friendship and we wish you could have lingered a bit more to say goodbye. No harsh feelings whatsoever from my side this time, I wish this sudden leave was of your benefit. You always thought some drama was good so here it is.. drama for you. We wish you all the best Raeez. Goodbye.    

Young buds hung from the tree
Birds around us, flew free
We were flowers then, happy and hued
Wary secrets, hidden not nude
The seeds now fly away
Like dandelions in the day
We wish you peace and joy
A part of time, you took away boy 
🌸

Ohh....

Hmmm
Hello Frosty, you may leave a few words too.

I don't think I will write a poem....

Okay

Simple bye...from me....

😃

But yes ill write something

hmm

Raeez, you have been there guiding me when I was going through a bad time. When I had a fall out with Ashi..... you helped me see things clearly. I wish you had stayed .... I tried...really tried to salvage...but maybe you never wanted this.... we had our ups and down but i wished i would have got to knwo you better because you are a nice person. I wish you a very happy life ahead... take care Good bye

Farewell, to The Thinker. 

And to the person who thought playing mind games are awesome

Whom I could get to be on better terms with.

Who was always a closed book

kael.

Kael.

Aha.

:)

😃

🌿

🍀

🍃

🌌

Ohk that's enough I guess

Yeah, let's.. go away. Let him be. "



Umm...! This virtual world took me in as if it's just a replica of reality and it threw me out saying ' learn some practicality!'

Reading these lines made me sad and funny at the same time, sad because I'm gonna miss them too, funny?  I don't know why.

Farewell !!! 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

I opine...

Nature gives me problems. (Family)
Nature kicks me in stomach. (People hurting me)
Nature makes me crawl back into a hole. (Failure worries)
Nature plants seed of optimism in me. (Art)
Nature makes me come out of it. (Birds singing)
Nature gives hope. (White clouds)
Nature trains me again. (Rain with thunderstorms)
Nature makes me laugh at my own stupidity. (Realization)
It's just Nature. (Motorcycle wheel)


I'm listening to this song:

Maaya - Indian Ocean

Memory

Some things better have an abrupt ending.
When you stop seeing someone you like,
Left are those cherished moments.
I read somewhere that we distort memories as time passes.
But when I look back, I liked everything that happened.
Even I liked having a row with her in a way.
Some things neither have an happy ending nor a sad one.
They just end abruptly. Just like that.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Ride

How to deal with future ? How to stop worrying and start refocussing? Generally these big questions can be thrown into a dust bin if they are about trifle things. Little things' certainty or predictability is of very less concern. But these questions take huge weight when your future has a one big decisive moment. I m going to attempt one of the toughest competitive exams in India this October. I left my previous job. So this CAT result is capable of carrying huge decisive potential. Worst and good results produce two different extremes of my future. So these thoughts haunt me daily. What if I m not gonna make it ? How will I receive that scenario ?

I remember some things from the book Notes from the underground by Fyodor Dostovesky. Man works hard and strives for an object but when he attains it , he doesn't have the same respect for it. What he likes is the process of getting it ? Surely its a deep thought. But consciously if I m gonna discard the object which I strived for , whats the point of striving hard then ?

There is a quote : Love the process not the outcome. How to love the process without thinking about the object ? Or outcome ?

Just watched the movie Gravity, there is a dialogue which had a magic effect on me. At one moment the character in film says "Two possibilities: one I m gonna make it to the earth , Two I will get burned in this... Either way IT WILL BE HELL OF A RIDE."

Enjoying the ride is the analogy for loving the process, I guess.

So sit back Raeez, enjoy your ride till your one shot decisive day arrives, whether you make it or not , it will be a good ride. Be strong as lady fortuna won't be always on your side buddy. Alright alright !

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Lady Fortuna

These are random thoughts trying to dress up into words. I recently read an article about euthanasia, it showed an example of a lady nurse who got brutally raped and she had been in a vegetative state for four decades till now.

I m not thinking about Euthanasia. Randomness is disturbing my thoughts. She would have led her life like her friends or colleagues did till now, but bad luck hit her. Can I attribute it to bad luck ? Or should I ve to reasonable i.e., finding the real cause ? Bad luck is unpredictable. Lets say she had misfortune. Isn't it the pure randomness? Like anyone could have become the rape victim in that instant , but lady fortuna chose her.

I m thinking in this way of randomness because i don't believe in destiny and fate. Umm... perhaps it'd be better for my heart if I say "its her bad fate , its written" as it doesn't bother me because it will end the continuous questions of mine.

So bad luck ? It is. I feel lucky till now because I survived. When I recall there were many instances where i could have met with fatal accidents while driving, crossing roads. Lucky I am in my career wise too , as  I found job in finance field without any finance degree. Lucky so far.

This makes think of the question, 'how to deal with bad luck ? A big misfortune or a total unexpected U turn ? ' I sometimes think as a big pessimist.

Its more random. Our lives....